Have you ever been in such a rage, it’s like you’re having an outer body experience? Well, I have! It’s like you’ve totally lost control and you can’t turn it off. This happened to me the other night. There I was at Cabo Cantina, living my best life! I had two of those 36 oz. Mega Margarita’s with the Patron in it. I chose watermelon, my little sister had the lemonade one. My brother met us up there and we were really enjoying ourselves. The plan was to take my sister to my parents house so she could chill with her friends. So we ended up doing just that. The thing is once I start drinking, it’s literally no limit. I can throw them back with the best of them lol…I ended up going to the store up the street and getting some Remy. SMDH!!! Big mistake. Mind you it’s starting to really get late and I really should take my ass home, but I was sipping. Needless to say I didn’t exercise my best judgement.

So my little sister says she’ll be right back and I went into psycho overprotective mode. I’m like you don’t need to leave, you’ve been drinking. Now who the hell am I to tell her she shouldn’t leave. I’m the one who needs to have several seats right, but nope I tripped all the way out. She’s trying to leave and it got real serious. I blocked the door with my body. I’m literally ready to fight her to keep her from leaving. Mind you I’m the oldest and I was not setting the best example. I don’t know exactly what happened after this, but now I’m full on about to fight her. We’re exchanging words that you just don’t say to your sibling. She’s on 10 and I’m on too. My two youngest sisters are literally throwing themselves in the middle so we don’t fight. They looked super worried and that’s when it hit me. I’m crazy and I really need to calm down.

Once things settled I’m literally in the room having a full on melt down. I mean sobbing hard af. My heart was just so broken, because I just tried to fight my sister! What type of monster does that? The irony is that it started with me trying to protect her. It ended with me potentially putting us in a position to harm each other. That’s the weakest shit ever. It made me realize, I have a problem. Almost anything I do is extreme! When I was smoking weed, I abused it. When I ate meat, I abused it. With drinking I abuse that too. The thing about it is, I don’t drink daily. Hell, I don’t even drink every weekend. When, I do though I don’t set limits. I get completely wasted. Don’t get me wrong though, there have been times where I made a conscious decision to only have two drinks. I know better but can’t explain why I don’t always do better.

Hopefully, I’ll find my balance soon. I don’t want to be that girl that’s wild and reckless. I’m better than this now. I’ve been through some things that have had some bad effects on my overall world view. However, I know none of it is an excuse for my bad behavior. Although, I’ve apologized to all three of my sisters, the toughest part is forgiving myself.